10 Ways to Survive Johannesburg (And Dodge the Dodgy!)

Ah, Johannesburg, the city of gold and sometimes, well, fool's gold. It's a place of contrasts, where luxury cars cruise next to rickety taxis and bustling markets. Surviving the urban jungle of Jozi can be an adventure in itself, but don't worry, we've got you covered with these 10 hilarious ways to make it out alive and well, while avoiding the dodgy characters lurking in the shadows.

The Art of Jogging: Ever wanted to feel like a gazelle being chased by lions? Head to Hillbrow for your morning jog, and you'll sprint like Usain Bolt through the maze of dodgy characters. If you make it back to your hotel without breaking a sweat, consider yourself a local legend.

Yeoville's Restaurant Roulette: Yeoville is famous for its eclectic dining scene. Try "Guess the Cuisine" night, where menus are in foreign languages, and you order blindly. Just pray you don't end up with a plate of deep-fried crickets.

Braamfontein Ballet: When crossing the streets, practice your best ballet moves as dodging reckless drivers is an Olympic sport in Jozi. Bonus points for twirls and pirouettes.

Inner City Safari: Forget the wildlife safaris; Johannesburg offers a unique urban safari experience. Take a guided tour of the CBD, and you might spot the rare "Scammerus conartisticus" in its natural habitat.

Hillbrow Hide-and-Seek: Challenge your friends to a game of hide-and-seek in Hillbrow. The twist? You're hiding from shady characters who mistake you for an undercover cop. Hint: blend in by looking utterly lost.

Tactical Taxi Surfing: When in doubt, ride a minibus taxi. Pretend it's a surfboard, and you're riding the waves of Johannesburg's chaotic traffic. Just hang on tight!

Maboneng "Art" Gallery: Visit Maboneng and admire the creative graffiti on every street corner. Try deciphering the meaning behind a mural featuring a giraffe riding a unicycle while eating sushi. Good luck!

Zebra Crossing Comedy: Attempt to use a pedestrian crossing. The challenge is to make it across without dodging cars or encountering panhandlers. Bonus points for dancing your way through.

Bribery by Biltong: If you find yourself in a tight spot, offer potential scammers some biltong (South African jerky). You might just turn them into your personal beef jerky aficionados.

Traffic Light Serenades: Bring your karaoke A-game to the traffic lights. Serenade fellow drivers and beg for spare change simultaneously. Who knew you could multitask so well?

Surviving Johannesburg is an adventure like no other, full of laughs, surprises, and maybe a few nervous chuckles. Remember, the key is to keep a sense of humor as you navigate the city's quirks and eccentricities.